


Let's Talk About Butt Stuff

by MidnightMusings9



Category: South Park
Genre: Anal Sex, Awkward Conversations, Episode: s19e06 Tweek x Craig, Eric Cartman Being Eric Cartman, Explicit Language, F/M, Gay Sex, High School, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Sex Talk, good friendships, mentoring?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-05-17 06:27:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14827103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightMusings9/pseuds/MidnightMusings9
Summary: Like any modern teenage couple, Tweek and Craig have reached a delicate point in their relationship. And as the only virgins in their group, they're pretty much lost. The only thing to do? Research!I promise its more fluff than smut. lol





	1. Locker Room Conversations

**Author's Note:**

> Just a little fic to pay homage to my new favorite couple: Tweek and Craig! :D Please let me know what you guys think in the comments! I especially want to know if anyone finds Tweek to be out of character. I tried so much to get his stuttering and little noises that he makes right, but I've also noticed his becoming more articulate throughout season 21.  
> Also, a bit of a disclaimer. My older!Kenny is heavily influenced by TeamAlphaQ's Kenny in the Semantically Challenged series. I've read fics with similar personality traits Kenny might have, but I still thought I should credit this wonderful author just in case.  
> On that note, Happy Pride Month people!

"Clyde, stop smiling like that. You're starting to look real creepy, dude." Token Black said before taking another bite of his sloppy joe. Granted, he could have had last night's leftover foie gras (coated in black truffles and a lovely puree) for lunch instead. Or even taken the sushi his mom had offered to have dropped off for him. And yet, here he was, consuming the disgusting-looking meat sandwich slapped onto his tray. Served by a lunch lady who he had seen blowing a booger into the last batch of green jello. All because he insisted on having the food provided by the High School so that he could feel as normal as his friends. The young, rich male sighed as he eyed his own lime dessert. 

Maybe he should start packing his own lunches from now own.

"What? No, I'm not!" Clyde Donavan didn't bother to look up from his phone. He just continued to type away and giggle every minute or so. 

Craig Tucker rolled his eyes, clearly not impressed with his best friend's antics. It had been like this for the last few days. Apparently, the brown-haired simpleton had snuck over to Bebe's house while her parents were away in Denver for some type of convention. Long story short, they had fucked for the first time since they had been dating. And ever since then, Clyde was insufferable with his constant bragging and clinginess towards his girlfriend. 

“Y-you just finished t-talking to B-Bebe a-a minute ago in gym." Jimmy Valmer chirped in from the far end of the table. "Q-quit being so pus-pussy whipped." 

Clyde took offence to this right away. "I am not! We're in  _love_ , why is that so hard for you guys to understand?!" He exclaimed, throwing his phone on the table. "Besides, it's not my fault Bebe loves the D! If anything, you should be asking me for tips!" The football player crossed his arms and huffed.

"Please, Nichole told me that you didn't even last for two minutes." Token snorted. 

"What?! She told the girls that?!"

"O-oh, God! Stop y-yelling! People are- ngh... starting to stare!" Tweek Tweak pleaded with his friends while anxiously looking around the cafeteria. What if the other students were getting annoyed? What if they're going to complain to the teachers or the principle?! Shit, what if they get expelled and end up living on the streets because they didn't finish High School?! This was too much pressure!

The chullo-wearing teen merely rubbed his boyfriend's back in comfort. Great, now Tweek was upset. He had been fairly calm all afternoon, aside from the slight panic attack that came when Mr. Fisher announced that they would be playing dodgeball for gym class. Luckily, they were able to sneak away together and avoid the stupid game. "Easy, Babe. Nobody cares about hearing this kind of crap anyways." The blonde merely whimpered a bit in response before chugging down the rest of the coffee in his thermos.

"Hm, I don't know about that. You seemed pretty interested when I told you Bebe gave me a blowie in the janitor's closet during our free period yesterday." Clyde snickered at the expressionless boy in front of him. 

Hearing this, the twitchy boy jumped slightly in his seat from disbelief. As though he could not have possibly fathomed what his friend did. "GAH! IN THE-ngh JANITOR'S CLOSET?!" Tweek screeched. That was  _not_ ok. Germs! Everywhere!

"O-oh, do tell." Jimmy leaned forward eagerly.

Craig groaned in annoyance. "That's only because you wouldn't stop talking about it, dipshit!" He didn't give the slightest fuck what his friends did with their junk. All he wanted was to borrow his math homework, but Clyde wouldn't give it to him unless he let him gloat first! 

"Well, excuse me for wanting to share with my bros!" Clyde huffed and crossed his arms.

“No one wants to fucking hear it!”

The jock looked like he had slapped across the face. "Yeah, well… next time don't come to me when you finally bang Tweek!"

"WHAT?!"

 Token immediately reached over to clean the spilt mess of coffee and soda all over the table. Tweek had shot up in his seat so fast and harsh that everything had gone flying. The poor thing was shaking quite violently as well. "Hey, not cool." The wealthy boy chided his friend. Even if it was a joke, it was in bad taste. It was no secret that the gay couple had yet to have sex. They all knew how easily frightened Tweek was, and that Craig would never do anything to pressure him. And it should go without saying that they weren't allowed to bring up the subject and be supportive.

“Dude!” Craig growled angrily.

Clyde rolls his eyes as if his friend is being dramatic for no real reason. “Oh come on, is it that big of a deal?”

“Yes!" The raven-haired boy yells. "Why the fuck would you even bring that up?”

Slapping his hands down on the metal surface, Clyde shouts in anger. “Because you’re just jealous that you’re not getting any and I am!”

Craig's face goes blank for a second, in shock of what has actually come out of the other teen's mouth. It wears off as soon as he remembers that this was someone that he was supposed to trust. Someone he didn't think would ever try to hurt him in this way. “That’s bullshit!” With much fiery that startles the whole group, he points at the enemy. “You’ve been getting on _everybody’s_ nerves with your constant yapping about fucking Bebe! And I'm tired of letting you get away with it! News flash dude, no one gives a fuck!" 

Jimmy couldn't help but let out a little comment under his breath. "S-snap." Although he wasn’t wrong, saying it like that was kind of messed up.

A short silence filled their table. Thankfully, the cafeteria was still a bit too rowdy to hear the argument. Save for a couple of other groups eating their lunches nearby, no one seemed to be listening to anything. The handicap looked over at Craig, who was trying very hard to regain his composure. Clyde, on the other hand, appeared to be on the verge of retorting back. Jimmy frowned. If their dumbass friend didn't keep his mouth shut, he was going to get his ass kicked for sure.

It seemed like the brunette had arrived at the same conclusion because he was already grabbing his backpack. “Whatever, I’m out.” And on that note, he was gone.

Token and Jimmy exchanged tense looks as their friend left the building. Well, at this rate, they were sure nothing could make this situation worse. At least now that Clyde was out of the picture, there would be no more fighting. That was something to be thankful for at least.

They were both wrong, of course.

Apparently, Tweek had finally snapped. "CRAIG! WHY WOULD YOU TELL HIM THAT WE HAVEN'T DONE IT YET?!" What did he tell Clyde exactly? Did anyone else know? If Tweek wasn’t so preoccupied with pulling out his hair and hyperventilating, he would have grabbed his boyfriend’s hoodie instead. God, he could almost strangle him!

Suddenly, his eyes widened tremendously when he realized what he had just said out loud. It was obvious that all eyes were definitely on him.

Fuck.

The blonde’s face began to turn a deep shade of red, embarrassed by his own words. Luckily, most of the teens and adults who had been watching the whole ordeal took pity on him and turned back to their food. Despite this, he still felt like he might throw up- a frightening thought had emerged.

What if they were going to break up?  

 _“He’s not going to want me after this.”_ He thought to himself. Why would he? Word was out now that Craig wasn’t being satisfied. There were plenty of guys (and girls even) who would love to be with his boyfriend. It was only a matter of time before someone else caught his attention and he traded up. Jesus, he was starting to feel the tears emerge from the corners of his eyes.

And to make matters worse, Eric Cartman had happened to pass by their table just in time to hear the blonde's outburst.

"HAHA!" The pudgy teenager set aside his tray so he could hold his stomach in laughter. Craig and his group went rigid as soon as they realized the hell that was about to come now that their worst enemy had arrived. "Oh my God, no way! You fags really haven't fucked each other yet?"

Kyle Broflovski and Stan Marsh, like always, had been accompanying the bastard to their own table. As per usual as well, the redhead was quick to stand up to Eric. "Shut up Cartman! That's their business, not ours!"

"Yeah dude, weak.” Stan nodded in agreement with his best friend.

The stockiest of the gang obviously didn’t see it that way. "Oh, don't get your Yarmulke in a twist, Jew.” Eric waved his hand dismissively. “Even you gotta admit that this is pretty hilarious." How could they not?! The gayest of couples out there hadn’t even touched wieners. Practically the whole town fawned over them since Elementary School. Imagine how everyone, the Asian girls especially, will react when they hear that these fairies were the only virgins left in their class!

Pure comedy!

Kyle, however, was not impressed by this. In fact, he was even more triggered now that his ‘friend’ has pulled out the anti-Semitism shtick again. "No, I don't Fatass! People are not obligated to have sex. Intimacy should come at a natural pace-"

"Yeah, yeah. Hey, Kenny!” Cartman cut off the fuming boy once the last member of their group had finally caught up with them. Kenny McCormick had stride over to the crowd lazily, carrying over his shoulder a tattered, orange jacket similar to the one he had worn when they were kids. “Guess what? Craig still hasn't shoved his dick in Tweek's asshole!" He laughed hysterically.

Kenny blinked, digesting this juicy piece of gossip before smirking at the male currently banging his head on the table. “Really? Your balls must be as blue as your hat then, huh Fucker?"

"Up yours, McCormick." Was Craig’s muffled reply.

The immortal snickered at this. In a fluid motion, he slid into the chair next to the Tucker boy. “Well, I’d be more than happy to show you the ropes, but I'm not sure how our sweet Tweaky would feel about it." He nudged him suggestively.

"WAIT WHAT-“

Craig didn’t give his boyfriend a chance to finish screeching. Standing up, he grabbed Tweek’s hand and quickly pulled him to the nearest exit. “Come on, honey. Let’s get away from these shit heads before I end up killing someone.”

“BUT…!” The spaz protested as he was being dragged along.

“Hey, don’t forget to suit up bro! Don’t want to get aids!” Cartman taunted the leaving pair in between giggles.

He was flipped off, of course.

-South Park High’s Parking Lot-

“Craig, wait!” Tweek demands. Craig continued to ignore him though, only focusing on finding his car in the sea of Fords and Chevys. Mustering up whatever strength he had left, the coffee addict dug his heels into the pavement. “WAIT, DAMN IT!”

Feeling the halt on their course, Craig turns to look at the flushed blonde. Scratching his hair underneath his hat vigorously, he begins to plead his case. “This is all Clyde’s fucking fault; he’s being such an arrogant dick lately. Just because I called him out on his shit, he went and opened his god damn mouth-“

This doesn’t seem to appease Tweek. “Oh, don’t give me that crap!” Dropping the other teen’s hand, he tries to control his twitching as best as he can to properly express his anger. “T-that kind of thing should have stayed just between us in the first place, man!”

Swallowing thickly, Craig sees the validity in what he’s saying. “You’re right, I should have never told the guys-“

“JIMMY AND TOKEN KNOW TOO?!”

“but to be fair we were all pretty high.” The science lover lowers his voice in shame. “We were just hanging out and the topic came up. I honestly didn’t think any of them remembered what I said.”

Tweek pushes away his additional shock of learning that _all_ of their friends knew this information as well. Instead, he thinks about the circumstances in which Craig spilt the beans. It wasn’t uncommon for the five of them to toke out in Token’s bedroom. And he was aware of how silly his friends got when they had one too many hits.

 Honestly, it wasn’t his thing. If he smoked too much, he would become more paranoid than he already was. Not to mention it conflicted too much with the adrenaline he got from his daily dose of caffeine, causing him too crash pretty hard. So, he had declined to join them the last couple of times they made plans to do pot. That meant Craig must have told the guys months ago.

The blonde shakes his head, returning to his first thoughts. “You still shouldn’t have told them anything! How do you think I, augh, feel?!”

“It was an accident!” declared Craig. He sighs and goes to press his palm against Tweek’s cheek. “Look, let me take you home. I don’t want to yell anymore; this whole shit show was so exhausting.”

Against his will, he automatically relaxes into his warmth. Their eyes interlock, and after pausing for a minute, the shorter boy relents. “Fine!"

They walk to his car in silence. But it’s in the same moment he sits in his boyfriend’s black Audi, that he realizes they still had three more classes before school ended. A part of him feels guilty for skipping, but he refuses to go back like this. He’s tired and in serious need of a refill of his family’s special blend. Whatever homework he missed in English, he can get from Wendy or Butters tomorrow. Right now, all he wants to do is get some answers.

It doesn’t take long for them to get to his house; school is only a few miles away anyways. But instead of getting out when Craig parks in front, the blonde sinks further into the seat.

They sit without saying anything for a while. However, Tweek can’t keep his thoughts to himself any longer. “…what did you tell them?” He asks timidly.

Craig blows out some air before replying. “The truth: we weren’t ready yet.”

“We’re not ready… or _I’m_ not ready yet?” He has to be sure.

Rubbing his face anxiously, Craig groans out, “Tweak, can we please just talk about this another time?”

“No, because then you’re going to never bring it up again so you can avoid making me upset! And we have to talk about this sooner or later!”

The car becomes quiet again.

“I didn’t want this conversation to come up like this,” Craig mutters after a while.

Tweek laughs dryly at this. “Me neither, dude.”

“I’m sorry.”

He nods in forgiveness. And as a gesture, he decides to be the one to acknowledge the elephant in the room. “I know that every time we start to… m-make out and stuff that I always stop us from going further. But that’s only because I’m, nghh, scared that our parents will barge in like they always do! Or that I won’t know what to do and end up ruining it!’”

Craig’s face softens. He goes to hold the twitchy boy’s hand, rubbing the back of it affectionately with his thumb. “Babe, that stuff bugs me too. I don’t have any experience either.”

The blonde smiles slightly. “So, what do we do then?”

“I’m not sure.”

They stayed like this for another five minutes, only getting out of the sedan to avoid wasting the battery. Fortunately, his are still at the café, working. And there’s still another few hours to go until his mom comes home to start on dinner. Craig takes his time walking Tweek to his door, speaking his mind when they reach the porch. “I have to ask. And be honest with me,” He turns the blonde so that they’re facing each other. “Tweek… do _you_ want us to have sex?”

It surprises them both when it doesn’t take more than a minute for him to answer. “Yes.” His voice doesn’t waver, he doesn’t even twitch.

Craig squeezes his shoulders. “And not just because that you feel that you have to?”

“Eurgh- Craig, you’ve always put me first.” Tweek fidgets with his house keys, trying not to let on how uncomfortable feels. He would rather not get all gushy, but he thinks this is something that should be set straight as soon as possible. “You protect me when I feel like the whole world h-hates me. You don’t complain whenever I get, ack, difficult and try to push you away. Instead, you talk me through the bullshit and remind we why we’re so… good together.”

He takes a deep breath and says confidently, “But I would never try to tie you down like that. I’m insecure about myself, not about you.” When he looks in the mirror, all he can see is a skinny, ugly freak. He isn’t attractive or cute in the slightest. And he can’t even fall back on other attributes like intelligence or personality, because he doesn’t have much of either of them. Nevertheless, he loves Craig too much let these spiteful thoughts get in the way of their relationship. Call it selfishness or being greedy, but he wants this man all to himself.

Craig looks like he wants to say something, to try to argue against his boyfriend’s views about himself. He knows all too well that Tweek has yet to see the beautiful, special person he really is. It sucks, but he also knows that this isn’t the time for that conversation. It will come through, he’ll make sure of that. “Dude, even if we never do it, I still wouldn’t leave you for someone else. You trust me, right?”

The coffee lover smiles. “Yeah.” Mustering up some courage, he makes a bold move and wraps his arms around the tall lad’s neck. “P-plus… I, ack, have hormones too you know? I’m still a guy.”

Pleased and all too willing to reciprocate, Craig hugs his boyfriend to him. “Honestly, I’ve been wanting to bring this up for months now but I’m such a fucking wuss sometimes.”

“You’re not a wuss- you’re pretty great, dude.”

They both smile and share a quick peck.

 Face brightening even more once an idea pops into his head, Craig shares the good news he had forgotten to relay earlier. “Hey, my parents are going to Fort Collins to visit my aunt next week. Wanna stay with me?”

The blonde bites the inside of his cheek in thought. The invitation is certainly tempting. They hadn’t slept over each other’s house in a while, what with the SAT’s coming up. They had been so busy with work too. “Engh, what about your sister?”

“I’ll bribe Tricia to stay with her friends or something, don’t worry.” He winks flirtatiously. “We’ll have the whole house all to ourselves.”

“Hm, I don’t know.” He fakes disinterest.

“I would be sooo happy if you did.” Craig all but whines.

Unable to resist any further, Tweek giggles. “Okay, I’ll talk to my parents.” Even though he’s pretty sure they would be all for it as well. Hell, his dad might even pack his bag for him.

To show his excitement, Craig leans in for another kiss. Things soon get heated between them though. The kiss becomes longer, much deeper as they intertwine their tongues. Soon enough, Tweek finds himself pressed against the cool wood of his door. He moans against his boyfriend's mouth the second he feels his ass being lightly squeezed.

They go on like this for what seems to be an eternity until Craig gently pulls away. Tweek stares with fuzzy vision at his boyfriend, who is breathing almost as harsh as he is. “Damn babe, who knew you were so horny.” His husky voice jokes. “That’s okay though, I’m getting pretty hard myself.”

Rolling his eyes, Tweek lightly pushes him away. They both laugh as Craig gathers the blonde in his arms again. “Ugh. S-shut up and kiss me, you douche.” Without needing to be told twice, the chullo-wearing tease goes back to pressing his lips against his boyfriend’s.

Granted that today was a giant pain in the ass, they did take a big step in their relationship. And things were still good between them. That’s what mattered the most.

Now all they had to do was make it until the weekend.


	2. The Virgin Dilemma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date for Craig and Tweek to make love is set, but our little cinnamon roll isn't so sure of himself.

The days before Friday passed by surprisingly fast. Craig acted no differently than usual, as though the shit that happened in the cafeteria never actually occurred. Although, maybe Tweek shouldn’t have been surprised by this. The other boy rarely allowed anyone to get to him, never mind giving them the satisfaction of letting them know they got to him. Maybe some of that was rubbing off on him as well. There were a few times the nerves got to him, but they wore off as soon as he felt a calming hand rub his back.

Just as well- whatever whispers or knowing looks that arose as they grazed through the halls didn’t stick around for long. If there was one thing you could count on in their high school, or their town in general, was that there was always some bigger scandal just around the corner. Word got out that Henrietta Biggle was caught giving a handjob to Kevin Stoley behind the bleachers. Who knew?

Tweek lets out an agitated noise when his Chemistry textbook refuses to shoved into the mess of his locker. It’s his fault, having stuffed the small cabinet full of books, homework, notes, miscellaneous trinkets, and old coffee cups. He pushes it harder, puffing out a relieved sigh when it finally fits. “Babe, you really need to clean out your locker.” Craig gently scolds him. “I mean, look at this. Some of this crap is from months ago.” Wearing an amused smirk, his boyfriend pulls out an empty bag of chips and a handful of the fliers announcing past school events.

The blonde rolls his eyes at this. Such a nitpicker! Shouldn’t he know by now that chaos was more his speed than organization? It’s just easier and faster to cram all the shit-

His thoughts are interrupted when a yellow-haired cheerleader walks up to them. Tweek instantly recognizes her to be Bebe Stevens. Oh God, what does she want? Is there gonna be another fight?

“Hey, can I talk to you guys?” She sweetly asks them.

Craig acknowledges her, calm despite not having talked to her or the Donavan boy since their spat. He must know that Tweek feels a little on edge, because he speaks up for the both of them. “What’s up?” he inquires coolly.

She fiddles with the strap of her purse. “I just wanted to say sorry about what happened with Clyde. I know he’s been a bit… ‘too much’ lately but you know how he gets sometimes.” Her tone is sincere, so that helps Tweek relax a bit.

“You don’t have to apologize for him.” Craig straightens his shoulders out.

Bebe sighs. “I know, but he’s too proud to do it himself right now.” From what the boys can tell, she looks stressed out by the whole ordeal. Of course she was, what girl would be okay with her boyfriend spreading the details of their sex life around all of their friends? It wasn’t her fault that Clyde was such a big mouth. “Honestly though, Craig, hitting him in his ego wasn’t the right way to tell him off either.”

His boyfriend shrugs, unbothered. “He went off first. I wasn’t going to baby him like you do.”

Tweek elbows him. “Dude!” That was uncalled for!

“What? He asked for it when he brought you into it.” Craig huffs and holds his arms in annoyance.

“That still doesn’t mean you have to be rude! She’s apologizing, so you should too!”

The curvaceous girl shakes her head, interrupting their disagreement. “Maybe I do baby him, Craig. But I can’t help it sometimes, he doesn’t have his mother to do it for him anymore.” Instantly, both Tweek and Craig look uncomfortable hearing the sad reminder. Clyde is such a nice, happy guy that it’s easy to forget that he lost his mom at such a young age. Even after all these years, he still hasn’t forgiven himself for leaving the toilet seat up. “Is it okay for him to go and tell his guy friends that I blew him in the janitor’s closet? No.”

Bebe steps closer to the taller teen. She looks up at him with a stern, unyielding look in her eyes. “And I yelled at him until he understood that it was wrong. The point is- I forgave him, so there’s no reason you shouldn’t either.” With that last statement, she nods at them in farewell before striding down the hall.

Tweek rubs his arm anxiously as he looks over at his boyfriend. Craig looks upset, and that in turn makes him feel just as shitty. They know Bebe was right about everything she said. It just sucks that the two best friends have had a fight so close to their graduation. “Hey, y-you want to cut class again and, ngh, head over to Stark’s Pond?” It’s the only thing he can think of to cheer him up.

Craig smiles a bit, but he shakes his head. “Nah, we’re going over some important stuff for a quiz tomorrow. Thanks though, honey.” He sneaks in a kiss onto Tweek’s cheek, causing the blonde to stiffen up and turn a bright shade of red. Just as he pulls away, the bell rings, signaling the end of lunch and the beginning of a new period. “I’ll see you after class.” He smirks suggestively, before leaving in the opposite direction.

Still blushing, the coffee addict pouts. Why does his boyfriend have to be so smooth all the time? It’s not fair how much he makes him get all flustered, heart beating like a pair of drums. Just once he would like to be the cool one! _“Maybe I can get him back this weekend.”_ He thinks to himself. _“Yeah, right.”_ Sighing, he closes his locker and heads on over to English.

* * *

 

“Alright, get into your groups and go over the reading material from yesterday.” The teacher instructs the class. Immediately, everyone moves their desks and chairs into separate packs. That was the only good thing about this teacher. Once she got tired over going over the bare minimum of their curriculum, she made them go into groups while she caught up on Netflix shows.

Over the years, Tweek learned how to deal with the anxiety that came with joining different packs of students; be it for an assignment or to be sociable. He would have rather kept to himself, but as you get older you just have to roll with some things. One great thing about South Park though, it was so small that there was always a familiar face around.

“Hi Tweek! Gosh, class barely started. Guess Mrs. Peckerson really wanted to see what happened on Riverdale.” Chirped Wendy Testaburger as she slipped into the seat next to him. The brunette hadn’t changed a bit. She still involved herself in school politics, maintained her 4.0 GPA, extracurricular activities, and was still one of the most popular girls in their grade. Despite not being a complete fan of the female population, Wendy was someone he considered a friend. She could be too self-righteous sometimes, but overall, she was a nice person. “By the way, Butters texted me that he wasn’t coming in today. So, I guess it’ll be just us.” She hummed, eyes scanning over their assigned textbook.

“Oh, okay.” The blonde fidgeted with his pen. Butters was as good a friend to anyone, once he got over his hatred of girls. The three of them had gravitated to one another in this class, mostly because the rest of the students had transferred over from other counties. It was nice to hang out with someone you’ve known since elementary school. Besides, once they all graduated, they might never see another again.

For the next several minutes, they read and discussed the assigned chapters from their textbook. The essentials of their work had been done yesterday, so it didn’t take long for them to finish up the rest. Now all they were doing was scrolling through their phones, bored. Tweek sighed as he closed Craig’s Snapchat story. He hadn’t updated it for a few hours, but that last selfie he took was hard to pass up on. It was of his boyfriend leaning back into his driver’s seat, hair tussled so much that his chulo was falling off. The caption said something about being too lazy to brush his hair for school, but honestly, his face was too fucking hot to look away from.

Groaning, he pushed his cell away and looked up at his classmate. The long-haired girl was typing eagerly, probably texting someone from the student council. The coffee addict bit his bottom lip, an idea forming in his head. “Hey, Wendy, c-can I ask you something… personal?”

The Testaburger girl blinked. “Sure Tweek, I don’t mind.”

Leaning in close, he whispered, “Are, ngh, are you a v-virgin?” Tweek jumped up the moment it looked like the girl had just been asked what color her panties were. Realizing what he had just asked in a public setting, he instantly tried to apologize. “Shit! S-sorry don’t answer that.”

Wendy cleared her throat, fading back into her usual peppy self. “It’s fine. And to answer your question, no I’m not.” A bit surprised at her response, but at the same time not, Tweek stared down at his pen.

“Oh, okay.” He thought maybe she would have saved herself for marriage, or something. It would have been helpful to talk to another virgin about his problem.

Sensing his frustration, Wendy asked softly, “Is this about what happened in the fight in the cafeteria?” There wasn’t anybody who hadn’t heard about the little scene they caused. And, while she wasn’t as close to Bebe as she was before, she did feel sorry that her business was put out there as well. Clyde had been so chatty that a few girls gossiped about it in the bathroom for about a week. The whole thing was a mess.

“Kind of.” The blonde twirled the pen between his fingers, trying to fight away the anxiety that was slowly peeking up. Vaguely, he was reminded of the fidget spinners Craig had gotten him when they were ten.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Swallowing nervously, Tweek thought about it for a minute. On one hand, he wasn’t particularly that close to Wendy and he was hesitant to open up about this to her. On the other, he really needed to talk to someone, and preferably a person that wasn’t too close to his boyfriend. Well, maybe it was better just to bite the bullet. “Uh, Craig, ngh, wants to have sex.”

Wendy’s eyes widened at his admission. “And you do too?” she asked cautiously.

Pulling at his hair anxiously, he takes a few seconds to blush exponentially. “Y-yeah, but I don’t know how! I mean, I know how, but I’m not experienced.” He's so embarrassed that he can't even look her in the eyes. All he can do is burn holes into the ground and hope he doesn't come across as a big pervert.

“And you’re afraid you might disappoint Craig.” Wendy leans back into her chair, blowing out a puff of air. Her suspicions are confirmed as Tweek nods his head vigorously. “Tweek, everybody goes through that. Trust me, the nerves go away as soon as things start to get intimate.”

Despite her attempt to empathize with him, the blonde doesn't look reassured at all. In fact, he's switched from hair tugging to nail-biting. Sighing, she takes his hand and gently holds it. “Just make sure that you communicate with Craig. That’s probably the most important part.” Says Wendy, offering him a kind smile.

Tweek does his best to calm his jitters, not used to being touched by anyone other than his parents or boyfriend. “But how does it work? What d-do I do?” He asks in a lower tone.

Letting him go, she scratches the hair under her beret, uncertain of how to answer him. “Well, since you’re a boy I think it’s a bit different for you. Surely you know how it works though…right?”

“Yeah,” Tweek manages to squeak out, eyes wide and face the color of a cherry tomato. The caffeine lover then lowers his head onto the desk to hide his shame. “it's not the same though. There’s more to it than the shit you see in porn.” He mumbles. Closing his eyes, he thinks about Craig and all that they've been through together. How much their relationship means to him. How much he loves him. “I just want it to be special.”

Truly feeling sorry for the poor boy, Wendy can't help but feel bad for the lack of help she's able to provide. “Tweek, I may not be the best person to talk to about this subject.” Suddenly, her face brightens as an idea pops into her mind. “But I think I know someone who is!”

* * *

 

Mindlessly kicking over a small pile of snow, Tweek holds the receiver of his cell closer to him. His boyfriend is on the other line of course. He tries to channel his inner actor and sound as nonchalant as possible. Lying to Craig never felt right, but he couldn't tell him where he actually was and what he planned to do. He just couldn't.

 _“You sure you don't want me to come along, babe? We can hang out afterwards.”_ Craig's husky voice tempts him.

Holding in a whimper, Tweek puts in some effort to sound as annoyed as he wants his boyfriend to think he is. “Yes, dude! I gotta find a new, ngh, coffee grinder for the house soon or my dad will fucking flip when he gets home! If he, eurgh, finds out that I broke the old one he'll s-sell my organs so that he can buy a new one and-”

_“Okay, okay. I get it, you're busy. I just don't see why you don't want me to help.”_

The blonde resists the urge to shriek in frustration. Why does he have to be so freaking good to him all the time?! As if lying wasn't hard enough! “Cuz i-it's easier to do it by myself! If you're there, it's too much pressure!”

_“...alright, if you're sure. I'm going over to Clyde's house to play PlayStation then. Text me when you're done, and I'll come pick you up.”_

“M-maybe, if I, gah, don't forget. Bye!” Before his boyfriend had a chance to nag him even more, Tweek hung up immediately. The last thing he needed was for Craig to start getting suspicious. That would just lead to a whole fuck ton of mess. A mess that he was not willing to explain to his (surprisingly) conservative lover. Breathing in deeply, he looked up at a place that would either be the solution to his virgin dilemma or make it even worse. Just as the many voices in his head started to convince him to turn the hell around and run home, he sprinted into action. Walking up to the quaint-looking home, Tweek urgently knocked on the door. Briefly distracted by the doormat that read, 'HOME IS WHERE THE HOMO'S ARE” the blonde's head quickly shot up as the door opened.

There stood in front of him was an older, tan gentleman. Wearing a colorful shirt with the first few buttons undone, Big Gay Al greeted him with a polite smile. “Yes? Can I help you?”

“U-um, is Mr.-ugh, Mr. Slave here?” Tweek cringed at the squeaky tone of his voice. Jesus, as if it wasn’t obvious enough that he was a nervous wreck.

Eyes brightening at the mention of his partner, the married man stepped aside to let the teen inside. “Oh, sure! He’s right inside the living room. Come in!”

Hesitating, the coffee addict thought about declining his invitation. He didn’t want to intrude on their evening, much less deal with small talk and the pressure of being a good guest. But fuck, the thing he came here for couldn’t be discussed outside where any nosey ass neighbor can hear. “T-thanks.” Tweek mumbled after sprinting into the house.

As they made their way to the living room, Tweek a quick survey around the interior. To his surprise, everything looked relatively… normal. It was furnished and decorated well, no signs of sex dungeons or other fetishized objects he imagined would be displayed. “Sweetie! You have a guest!” Big Al yelled up to the second floor.

Not even a minute later, Mr. Slave came trotting down the stairs. Upon seeing the blonde, he gasped. “Tweek? Is that you?”

“Hi, ngh, Mr. Slave.” He tried to smile, but something more like a grimace formed instead.

“I thought I recognized you!” The former Scout leader clapped in excitement. “You two have a nice chat. I’m going to go find us some snacks!” Giggling, he pranced off into the kitchen.

Clearing his throat, he addressed the other man with more confidence. “Sorry if I’m b-bothering you.” Tweek fidgeted with the bottom of his shirt anxiously.

“Oh, not at all honey! Even if things with Mr. Garrison didn’t work out, I’m still always happy to see you kids again!” Mr. Slave beamed and gestured for him to join him on the couch. He meant what he said. Despite the turnout of his relationship with the president, he cherished his time with the children. Even though he was proud of his lifestyle, it had felt nice that none of them had purposely judged or treated him any different than the rest of the teachers. Well, except for that fat kid. “I’m so proud of you by the way! When I heard that you and Craig had fell in love, Al and I were over the moon! South Park needs more gay couples.”

“W-well… that’s, gah, what-what I wanted to talk to you about.” Tweek murmured as soon as he sat down.

“Is something wrong?” Mr. Garrison’s ex-lover asked softly. He didn’t respond, only biting his lip and clenching the material of his jeans. The shakey boy considered backing out now before he shared anything too personal. It would be the much easier and less humiliating option. All he had to do was make up some lame excuse and run out as fast as he could. Oh God, how he wanted to get away!

But then nothing would be solved. Who else was he going to talk to about his boyfriend? No one else had any valuable input. He was going to have to suck it up and grown some goddamn balls. For Craig and for himself!

Taking in a deep breath, he let out everything that was weighing on him. “You see, I don’t know any other gay guys around here! So, Wendy told me to come and talk to you because she says you know what I’m going through and give good advice and OH GOD I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING! I WANNA MAKE CRAIG HAPPY BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN PUT ANIMALS UP MY BUTT-“

Mr.Slave hastily grabbed the boy’s flailing arms. “Tweek! Relax!” Shocked and a little winded, the married man released him and rubbed the blonde’s back in hopes of calming him down. “Now slowly tell me what this is all about.”

Tweek exhaled deeply, gathering his composure as best as he could. When he felt his panic attack was gone for the most part, he looked straight into Mr. Slave’s eyes and spoke. “Craig and I are having sex for the first time and I want you to teach me how to take his dick into my ass.”

“…oh, Jesus Christ.”


End file.
